February!

Goodness; we're already 6 days in to February.  So hard for me to believe.  I love February.  Neal's third birthday was yesterday.  He was showered with love, a few balloons, a few presents and a fun monster cake.  The monster cake was made by a special friend, Thank you so much Twila!  I will post pictures on a different day.  Valentine's day, Robert and Carol's anniversary (hope it was happy), Chad's Birthday, Miranda's Birthday, Ray's Birthday, Lisa's Birthday, MY BIRTHDAY!!!

I'm a little tired tonight, but wanted to do a quick update for those who might be checking on the blog.

Tomorrow I will be visiting with my surgeon, Dr. Hill.  I feel much better than I did a week ago.  Infact, I'm not even sure I can remember a week ago.  This has been a hard two weeks, but since Thursday I have been feeling a bit more "alive". 

On the 24th of January, I had a left mastectomy and beginning of reconstruction surgery on that side of my chest.  All I can say positive about surgery is that I had an EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING..SEXY, Anesthesiologist!   I woke up with a corsette of some sort on the top half of my body.  I was told it's a surgical bra, but all I can say is it did some serious damage to my ribs and it squoze me so tight I thought I was incapable of breathing. I was able to take it off last week...I have bruises!  I know I was on some pretty heavy pain medication, so I didn't feel much at first, just out of it!  I can remember seeing Eric, Lisa, Bev, Wanda and Michael after my surgery..when I was wheeled in to my private room.  I also had some beautiful flowers left there for me by my sweet friend, Sande.  I brought them home with me and enjoyed them up until yesterday when they finally had to be put out.  My only real recollection of that first night is Lisa staying with me until 2am.  I remember her reading to me, talking to me and when I had the urge to move, she walked with me hand in hand down the hallway in the hospital; I must have been high on drugs, because I was chattering loudly and we both decided to be a bit more quiet since everyone else was sleeping.  Lisa and I met as freshmen at BYU in 1982; to my knowledge that was our first time to take a walk holding hands with my fingers clutched to an IV pole and the other clinging on to the warmth of one of my best friends.  Lisa promised me that she'd hold my hand through this experience and she literally has been.  I love her so much.  We made it around two times and then went back in to my room because my bloodpressure cuff was beeping..or something like that..it needed to be plugged in. 

I was so bandaged.  I really had no idea what I might look like.  But Eric did tell me that the surgery went well.  Both surgeons were pleased with the outcome and Dr. Bishop my plastic surgeon was able to inject more fluid into the expander than he had originally planned..so I was told by Lisa that I was giddily trying to show myself to Eric and anyone else that would take a peak.  Ha, ha.  I don't remember that, but I do trust her.  I am not flat on the left side, there is a bit of a small mound and it is heavy.  Feels foreign, is numb..kind of like when you go to the dentist and have your one side of your face numbed.  I can touch my skin and it feels like my skin to my fingers, but I can't feel my fingers on my chest. 

In the hospital I was treated very well.  I like Mt. Timpanogas Regional Medical Center.  However, I had a mishap.  The day nurse was going to show me how to strip my drain. I have a little bulb drain attached under my left breast area so that fluid can drain.  The night nurse drained it with her fingers and emptied the little cup so I had had the experience once already.  The original drain was attached to my surgical bra on the right side..so it was fairly long.  This nurse decided to take out a pair of scissors.  She proceeded to tell me to take the blunt end of a pair of scissors and she held the tubing to begin pushing the fluid through and all of a sudden it snapped!  Broke off and fluid was running out of it on to me.  I was horrified.  So was she.  She began mumbling about that never happening before and other things..all I could think was..."Oh please, Lord, let there be a way to drain off this fluid without me being opened up again."  So she left me with a cup under the tubing and called Dr. Bishop.  He talked to her about how to attach the bulb to it again and luckly she was able to.  However, the drain has been a bit of a problem this week...I had to have it suctioned out a few times.  I am really hoping it will be removed tomorrow..we'll see.

I had several days that I just don't remember.  I slept and still sleep in my recliner.  I am so thankful for it.  I have a pillow on each side of me and a little blanket rolled up under my head.  I cover up with a fleece blanket and rest, sleep, think...sometimes I cry.  Wednesday was the worst day that I can remember.  I felt horrible.  Lisa took me to Dr. Bishop.  He drained more fluid, changed my medication and talked kindly to me.  Lisa bought me a sandwich and we sat in the car and I ate.  I thought to myself, "I don't know if I can do this."  Then Lisa smiled at me and talked to me and somehow she got me home.  At some point I began calling people.  My mentor who has had a double mastectomy, she is a sweet lady who told me there is a light at the end of the tunnel; that I am normal and it's okay to fall apart when needed.  I talked to Dr. Bishop's nurse she talked me through some of my fears.  Then I called my stress management Dr. as well and he helped me to work through a few stresses I had.

My little boy was sick and I felt horrible.  My sister, Wanda, came and took care of my kids and was here in my home and I was so thankful for that. My parents have been doing what they can to help.  My visiting teachers are AMAZING!  My dear ward sisters have been taking care of my kids..driving them where they need to be, taking care of Neal, picking up Spencer from school, cleaning, bringing food and treats, blankets, toys for the kids, calling with sweet messages.  I love my ward (church) family.  

I have spent many, many hours in prayer.  I am not sure if my thoughts were legible to Heavenly Father, but I felt His love for me, His warmth, His Spirit getting me through the dark moments.  I know there may be more dark moments, but I just keeping praying that my faith will not waver.  I have a picture of the Savior, Jesus Christ, right above my chair that has been moved in to my bedroom.  He's smiling and I look at it whenever I have my eyes open in my room.  I know, He knows me, He knows what I feel, what I have been through and He has gone through so much more.  I don't understand the purpose in cancer for me yet; but, I do know that when I get through this and I do plan to get through it, I will be different.  I am learning to love myself and my body in a way I never have been able to before.  It's too bad that it has taken losing a portion of my body to realize that it is very important.  I have always had a body image problem, a struggle with feeling beautiful.  In the last week I have had more people who matter to me, tell me that I am beautiful that I ever remember in my life.  I also am learning how silly it is that I have spent any time at all comparing myself to others.  We are all so individual and beautiful in our own right.  I have been trying to embrace that for several years now, but it seems to just be a part of who I am now; I can honestly say that I feel love in a new way than I did a month ago. 

Okay, well, that's about all I can say at this point.  I would never want anyone to go through what I have been going through in the last 6 weeks or so; but it is my life, so I am going to try the best I can to embrace it.  Be positive when I can.  Love who I love with all my heart.  Be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt, neighbor, friend, person.  I hope that all who have been praying for me and thinking of me and my family will be blessed with what they desire and stand in need of.  I also hope that I can be comfortable just being me and know that, that is enough for the Lord.  He will make up the difference and provide for my family and friends what I can't. 

I have extreme gratitude in my heart for all those who are serving me and my family.  Thank you.

May this week be EVEN BETTER!!   (Just thought I'd share a fun picture from when Eric and I got engaged! 1994)