The middle of a decade

It's Sunday night, and I really need to go to bed. I've been able to get in touch with some old friends on FB, friends from Indian Springs, where I attended Jr. and Sr. High and friends from the last single's ward (For my friends who aren't Mormon...it's the congregation I met in to go to church before I married Eric) I attended before marriage, made me remember that they were like my family for a few years and then we grow apart. However, for me, the feelings come back so quickly and I am so excited to see and read about tidbits of their life and thoughts...then there are some I just want pick up where we left off and talk for hours, hours that I don't have right now, but, it is fun. It's also making realize how much time has past and things I still have not done.

I believe I have written on every goal list I've ever made as an adult with this goal, "I want to write a Novel". I do, I really do. I just don't know where that's going to come from, but it's a goal and with all the letters, journals, emails, short stories and poems I've penned over my lifetime so far I have written several, but not the publishing kind.

As I approach 45, I do it with a bit more energy than I had turning 44, just a bit. Infact I don't even remember turning 44 and on facebook I said I was about to turn 44, instead of 45. I'm not sure I have had the brain power, physical ability or emotional stamina to even realize I have been 44 for a whole year. Turning 45 means I'm right in the middle of 40 and 50...it's not a bad place, it's just I keep thinking I'm going to wake up in the morning with WISDOM, FRESH FLOWERS sitting on my dresser, the INSPIRATION for the story that I'm meant to write (the novel) and someone to make me exercise. Instead I wake up to a baby gooing or calling out something that sounds like ma ma, he needs me to take care of him, fix his botte, change his diaper and carry his squirmy little happy self to our chair and get that bottle in his mouth and as soon as he's done, he's ready to jump out of my arms and jump as I hold on to him, and I do it happily, but it makes me SORE. He makes me smile, laugh and I can't imagine my life without him. I have a little 7 year old girl that says things like this, "Mommy I love Brandon. (boy in her class) I can't tell him, but what if he doesn't love me back." In my mind I'm going "LOVE??" But then I realize she does love him in her 7 year old way and sometimes he doesn't want to play with her and to her that's rejection. So we talk about it and I listen for promptings and wisdom to come to my soul. As I'm listening, I realize she's off to some other adventure and has worked it all out in her mind...she just wanted to share with me, and then go play pet-shop. I don't know what I will do when she's a teenager. Then there is the teenager that is saving money for a WII, he's so close and he keeps asking me what he can do for more money. I want to say apply for a job! LOL. Not yet, he's 13 so it's not time yet. I make a deal with him that if he will clean up all his dog's poop in the back yard this week he can be paid enough money to cover the taxes. I think..."why am I bargaining with this boy to do something I've been asking him to do daily???" He's a good kid and helps me regularly without complaint..or little complaint, but there's that one thing...the DOG POOP. I keep hoping I'm as good of a wife to Eric as he is a husband to me. He's my best friend and I know days, night, weeks, months, years and decades are so much better with him by my side. I miss him right now.

Okay, so anyway..where was I? See, I wonder all around and I forget the point I really wanted to make. Oh yes, I'm in the middle of my 40's...and I'm hoping that I can float in to 45 and be at peace with it and not get depressed about the physical part of it, just continue to have hope, daily joy in the small wonders of life and be able to keep getting up off the floor after playing with Neal. I also hope that I'm closer to writing the Novel and climbing Mt. Charleston!